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'Left and Right' Comedy Dialogue

The date is January Thirty First in the Year Two Thousand and Twenty Three, two brave Detectives of the Toilet Papering Service must do battle against adverse conditions in order to become triumphant and victorious. This is the story of how Dotcom Kim and Sergeant Peartree saved an entire tool-set from the perilous clutches of the Malevolence and Compassion Skilled Trades Bureau. It all started when an emergency call came in from the TPSB at 2:30 PM Eastern Standard Time:

bBBBRrrrrriiiinnNNNG! _(telephone)

bbbBBBRrrrrriiiiNNNGgg! _(telephone)

BBBRrrrrriiiiNNNG! _(telephone)

^KIM I answered the phone as quick as I could when I saw it was you!

_TPSBI am calling on a matter of maximum urgency. I need you to go to the office of the Skilled Trades Bureau and seize a tradesman's tool-set immediately.

^KIM Whatever for will I seize this tool-set? Is the tool-set in danger?!

_TPSBD..k..ssshhhhhh...(the line goes quiet)

^KIM NOOOOooo! Are the tools safe?! OR are the tools UNSAFE!!??

...sssssshhssss...(dial-tone)

^KIM ANSWER MEEEEeeee!!!!....

(quiet)

^KIM (silent, a tear rolls down his cheek)

^Sarge I heard EVERYTHING MAN! The call was on speakerphone, LETS ROLL.

^KIM The tools are... the tools are in danger of being lost or misplaced. I think that we both know that now...

^Sarge NO KIM! We simply cannot allow that to happen!

...placing their hands together on the center console, they both flip the switch to put the sirens on...

With the pedal to the metal, they peel out of the stationhouse at dirty-2 Division, and immediately enter complete GRIDLOCK.

^KIM Now that the time is exactly 2:42 PM I am sending a short email to Mr. MURDOCK.

^Sarge Yes, but why are you shouting his last name at me?

^KIM Are you sure that I am shouting?

^Sarge Yes, I can tell because the lettering is in 'ALL CAPS'.

^KIM Wow, calm down, no need to yell the words 'all-caps' at me.

They spent the next three hours crawling in gridlock. When they arrived at the MCSTB, the offices were already closed. They close at 3:00 PM. Not wanting to use their special Toilet Papering Powers that they have, the two resolved to return the next day in the morning.

^Sarge We are at the MCSTB now.

^KIM Yes, that's true, and it appears to be closed.

^Sarge I do not wish us to use our extra special Toilet Papering Powers at this time.

^KIM Let us return to our respective homes and then return to Hot Pursuit of this issue tomorrow morning, as it is of extreme importance.

The two Detectives return home and reconvene in the early morning at dirty-2 Division

Again in the cruiser, they look each other in the eyes, clasp hands and flip the sirens on again, FOR ONE LAST TIME. They are going to save that tool-set no matter the consequences.

^Sarge WE'VE GOTTA SAVE THAT TOOLSET NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES!

^KIM I AGGRREEEEEE

The two speed across town, sirens blaring, horn honking. They arrive at the MCSTB.

^Sarge I'll feel a lot better when I know that the tools are no longer in danger of being lost or misplaced.

^KIM Don't worry! We WILL find those tools and WILL save those tools! It is imperative that we, as TPS Officers, show empathy for all things and for all reasons.

^Sarge What do you mean exactly?

^KIM Those tools, those poor tools must be so scared, so frightened right now.

^Sarge The tools? Tools don't have feelings.

^KIM THEY DO! They do have feelings!

^Sarge (quiet)

^KIM You see Sarge, I am an extremely religious person. The Canadian Law affords rights, so very many rights.

^Sarge (silent)

^KIM In Canada we have our special Law called the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. It gives specific rights to Citizens in this fair country but, what about animals? What about animals? Shouldn't animals get rights too Sarge?

^Sarge Yes, of course they should...

^KIM And what about the trees? The City makes bylaws that stop people from cutting down the trees. Personally, I believe in those rights.

^Sarge Sure...

^KIM Don't you see what I'm saying Sarge? Animals have rights, Plants have rights but, what about the rights of In-animate objects? Shouldn't In-animate objects have the same rights that every other thing that exists has?

^Sarge I think I see what you're saying...

^KIM Yes! Exactly Sarge! Those tools, in reality, should have all of the same rights of plants, animals, or even people. The Charter Should Protect everything equally, and not decide what should and shouldn't have rights.

^Sarge ...so, what you're saying is, it doesn't matter who owns the tools...

^KIM Exactly, it doesn't matter, because no one can really be the owner of the tools. It is the tools themselves that we are saving. Now, the TPSB was asking for us to 'seize' the tools but, I would prefer to use the term 'liberating'. Those poor little scared tools, they could become lost or misplaced at absolutely any time. No, no need to contact the owner to obtain permission. It is the tools themselves that we are heroically saving.

^Sarge I agree with your statement.

^KIM In the future, I believe that our society will eventually accept the rights of In-animate objects as being AS valuable, and maybe even MORE valuable than we are. In the 'Future Charter' I know our actions today, on this fateful day, will be seen in hindsight as correct.

^Sarge What?

^KIM Darn it Sarge!

^Sarge Murdock has rights under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, specifically Section 8: "Everyone has the right to be secure against unreasonable search or seizure."

^KIM Oh suuuuure... But what about the rights of those tools? Those scared little tools, who don't even know if they will one day be used in the carving and actual manufacture of other physical objects. What would those tools think about that?!

^Sarge ...uuuhhhhh...

^KIM AND! And, what about my Charter Rights?! Don't I have the right to MY religious beliefs? And to believe in whatever religion that I want to, no matter what it is?

^Sarge I'm not sure what you're getting at but, please continue.

^KIM DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?

^Sarge (not sure how to respond)

^KIM I'M AN IDOLATER!... There! I said it, I finally said it. I am a hardcore Idolater. I believe in the divinity of inanimate objects and I worship them.

^Sarge Oh... now I understand. According to the Toilet Papering Service's own policies, I am required to both congratulate and accomodate you for your outstanding religion. Bravo.

^KIM Exactly, and if I have to go 'Charter versus Charter' to uphold my religious duty to those tools, I'LL DO IT.

^Sarge Unrelated to this, how is your website coming along?

^KIM Oh, I don't know, I forgot the password to the account, so I can't pay the one dollar per month fee. Really it's not very important to me as a dot com domain, even with my own name, and which I myself registered, is not important to me. I mean... it's not like it has a soul or rights or anything. It's not even a physical object like the idols that I worship.

^Sarge Yeah. Nothing to worry about.

^KIM Exactly. Besides, what idiot would pay valuable money to purchase a domain name with someone else's name on it anyhow? 198 euros is a lot of money for a non-physical object.

^Sarge How do you know the future sales price?

^KIM NO TIME FOR THAT NOW, LET'S GO SAVE THOSE TOOLS!

They take the tools and fool the secretary by saying that they are delivering them to Mr. Murdock.

^Sarge Good thing we fooled the secretary by saying we were delivering the tools to Mr. Murdock.

^KIM I will now send an email to Mr. MURDOCK as it is exactly 9:06 AM.

^Sarge You don't have to shout his name, I'm standing right here.

^KIM Sorry, my finger slipped on the caps-lock key. Gee whiz, I hope the email I have just sent isn't concrete evidence of disobeying a statute in relation to the Civil Remedies Act. I mean $2501.60 is more than $1000.

^Sarge Don't worry, only rookies clear money in excess of $1000 with the Attourney General. I mean, it's not 2021 anymore, get over it...

And... end of scene.

DISOBEYING A STATUE is the worst thing in the mind of an IDOLATOR.

Note: Since writing this, it has been determined that the sale of this Website can most likely be attributed to the contract breaches that occurred as a consequence of the 2023 Actor's Strike. At that time, many Actors breached their contracts with their Talent Agencies. If the Talent Agency owned a web-domain and had registered it and operated it on the behalf of an Actor, and in that Actor's name, and with that Actor's permission... Here we have the result. It seems very fitting, and incredibly ironic that HIS UNION seems to have taken action that has been harmful to HIS INTERESTS. Wow, exactly like what another guy's union did. Try to guess what guy.

Now Unveiling JungYulKim.com's Official Mascot!

The Mascot is called 'TP-speedline'